Football formations have come under the spotlight at Southampton University and a budget big enough to have saved the Saints has come to many enlightening conclusions. First of all, we learn that teams do not actually line up as 4-4-2, 4-3-3 or 3-5-2 except, perhaps, at goal kicks or at kick off – in fact, when the game is at its least inspiring moments. Further teams purported to be playing 4-4-2 spend less than 3% of the game in an arc which is 10% from the rigidity of the formation (don’t ask what it means). This was calculated using complex calculus that involved dragging some top mathematics student from the pub to rub their foreheads for a few hours.

FootballCynic’s Research Centre has made a more in depth study and can report that teams playing with a man in the hole do not actually position a man in any hole. Occasionally, researchers found small holes at the centre spot or penalty spot, but this was restricted to parks where Sunday morning football is played. The team also has uncovered the fact that wing backs are just full backs that make occasional sorties up field and then cannot be bothered to “track back”. This is fuelling fierce debate as to whether 5-4-1 is really 3-4-1 with two wandering backs playing alongside the back three. No name has been given to Makelele-type players who amble around in front of the back four – in fact, most pundits call this man “the man playing in front of the back four”. FootballCynic’s Research Centre has labelled this role as “anchorman” thanks to hours of consideration by its Think Tank.

Of course, park footballers are often more knowledgeable than the highly paid superstars. On-field screams of “send me” by a quick winger breaking from the 4-2-4 formation are understood to mean that formation will soon be 4-2-3-1 with the one being too shagged out to get behind the ball (as is often heard). In fact, the research team uncovered more revealing shouts that meant formations were being discarded albeit temporarily “back door, Mick” (every team has a player called “Mick” in Sunday football games) was seen as a signal to lash the ball wildly – usually resulting in a goal kick or throw in.

FootballCynic recalls his younger days when a bright young lad joined his team. “Do you play zonal or man-to-man marking?” he asked the gruff old captain. “We just kick the shit out of them wherever they are” was the reply. FootballCynic cannot recall the formation – I am not sure anyone ever bothered to ask. Football Cynic’s Research Centre concluded that formations had become popular due to the fact that coaches in the game had been brought up on Subbuteo and bar table football where formations were more rigid, which is exactly what the mathematics students were dragged from when asked to run their calculations.