Tottenham Hotspur officials have assured FootballCynic that Rosie, the 47-year old dog, will continue to select the team for Friday’s FA Cup clash with Watford despite appearing at Southwark Crown Court.

It is alleged that Rosie had an offshore bank account called Harry 189000 on the Isle of Sheppey. Rosie’s solicitor has stated that “Rosie does not expect anyone to bale her out. Rose lives modrically in a small house and preferred liver more than beef. Although some thought that Rosie lived like a king, the whole story was complete kaboul and she would be friedel soon.” The dog later admitted that he couldn’t spell or write, but was known to regularly split infintives.

A tweet from TheKnaphillian reads “Into grass roots football? Then support your Real local football team(s). How about Knaphill F.C.” We’ll forgive the missing question mark on the end and we’ll also assume the word “Real” is not in capital letters because they are referring to Madrid, Sociedad, Betis, Zaragoza etc. Or, indeed, the lesser known Real Brunswick, whose last reported game in 2008 was a defeat to Brighton Electricity. Or, of course, Real Hydraquip of the Mid-Sussex League.

No, we think TheKnaphillian means real grassroots football, so the invitation to visit their website was too much for FootballCynic to resist. Indeed, when you arrive there, it is highly interesting. The Knappers as Knaphill are known can offer you Club Cashback – a scheme whereby the Club gains if you spend online. Just spend a few million pounds and Knaphill could play Tevez for 10 minutes one week. You soon find that the Youth team game is off as well as a friendly on Tuesday and, guess what, last week there was game of two halves. When you click through you disappointingly find that Knaphill Ladies only lost 3-1 to Tottenham Hotspur Ladies Reserves, though, to be fair, this doesn’t sound like a bad result.

But, what about the first team? Well, they could do better – 13th out of 18 in the Combined Counties Division 1 means that it is a long way to go before they make Football League status, but that’s hardly grassroots, is it? With no game, it would appear, this Saturday, Knaphill then face mid-table clashes with Worcester Park at home and then away games at Warlingham and Cobham in February. Having played runaway leaders, Guernsey, twice already, Knaphill should move up the table.

So, let’s hope this bit of publicity brings more than 51 to the terraces of Knaphill for their next game. If Alfonso XIII was alive today, FootballCynic is sure that he would become a patron of Knaphill so that they could be renamed Real Knaphill, the team for Real grassroots football. Below: The ticket office is closed; the game has started.

If you were told that the top team in each division was West Bromwich Albion, Burnley, Hartlepool United, Morecambe, Fleetwood Town, Corby Town and Chelmsford City, you would probably think that the FootballCynic Statistical Centre had gone mad.

However, that’s not the case. These are the top teams in each division that perform better away than they do at home. Let’s take West Bromwich Albion, who have gained a very respectable 51.5% of the possible points away from, but only 24.2% at home. Morecambe’s results are even more extreme – 59% at home and 31% away – 6 wins and 5 draws from 13 away games. In the Conference South, Chelmsford City show the greatest extremes with 13 unbeaten away games (9 wins, 4 draws), but only 4 wins, 5 draws and 4 losses at home.

Of course, the reverse is more common and the greatest difference is shown by Birmingham City who have won 80% of the points on offer at home, but only 30% away.

In the Premiership, the biggest “homers” are Swansea City, Manchester City and Arsenal while West Bromwich Albion, Bolton Wanderers, Aston Villa, Everton, Manchester United and Wigan Athletic have all won a higher percentage of points away from home.

And what about Berwick Rangers? Perhaps, it’s best not to check.

FootballCynic understands that Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish Nationalists, has written to the President of Berwick Rangers, Rt Hon Sir Alan Beith MP, to tell him that Scottish Third Division club must play in England from 2014.

It is believed that Prime Minister, David Cameron, is insisting on an extra question of the much publicised Scottish referendum which will read “In the event of Scotland gaining independence, should Berwick Rangers be forced to play in England?”

Alex Salmond has accepted the Prime Minister’s ruling, but is insisting that there are two responses on the ballot paper – “Yes, definitely” and “Yes, but I don’t care too much”.

It could leave Berwick Rangers without a league, although the committee of the South West Peninsula League has responded warmly and has indicated that they would welcome the club provided that they didn’t mind travelling to the likes of Falmouth Town and Bodmin Town week in week out.

An irate Alex Salmond has reportedly responded angrily to FootballCynic’s interest in the matter. “It sums it all up”, he said, “you will note the FootballCynic website never emboldens Scottish Teams like St Johnstone and Albion Rovers. No wonder, we want independence.” The observation about FootballCynic.com, which is the subject of a boycott north of the border, is expected to harden support in favour of independence.

Think of Mark Wright and you will recall an England centre half wearing a blood-stained bandage around his head bravely battling for his country. Well, you might if your memory was poor as that was Terry Butcher (no relation to the late Pat Butcher, who was always unpunctual).

However, another famous footballer called Mark Wright is in the news. Why? Well, he has joined Evo-Stik Central Division side, St Neots Town.

This is the Mark Wright, who appeared in TV’s TOWIE (or The Only Way is Essex Like Wot Yer Know) and was runner-up on I’m Celebrity (curiously not abbreviated to IACGMOOH). His new manager, Dennis Greene, claims that he has been signed for his football skills, but with Woodford Town from Essex as their opponents tomorrow you wonder if it is his Essex experience that Dennis is seeking.

St Neots Town are handily placed in fourth with games in hand, but there seems to be few jungle-type experiences ahead – visits to Chalfont St Peters and Marlow should ensure he finds restaurants serving better food than he would have had on IACGMOOH. .

So, it’s time for the romance of the cup – the excitement of the 3rd Round Proper. No more qualifying rounds or preliminary qualifying rounds, this is the 3rd Round Proper – there’s certainly nothing improper about this round, we are told.

As we comb through the fixtures, it’s hard to stop yourself looking for the most boring ties of the round. Former winners, Wimbledon, in the guise of MK Dons face QPR. Does anyone care? We doubt it. Birmingham City face Wolverhampton Wanderers. Does anyone care? We doubt it. Of course, Shrewsbury Town travel to Middlesbrough – but it’s hard to get excited. Hull City play Ipswich Town. Huh, boring, eh?

So, where is all the fun? Well, back in September, Staines Lammas won 2-0 at Harefield United in a replay. Now, that was interesting. And the most boring tie of the round? It has to be Peterborough v Sunderland on Sunday. FootballCynic thinks all the games mentioned (except for the splendid Staines Lammas game) will all end as 0-0 draws with no excitement whatsoever. So much for the romance of the Cup. .

FootballCynic has sponsored the kit of four players this season. It’s roughly halfway through the season and a good time to see how our stars are performing. All the clubs are in mid-table or better with Newhall United flying highest.

Richard Foster, centre half of Newhall United, has led his team to third place in the Leicestershire Senior Division One. With games in hand, Newhall United will be hoping to hit the top two spots in the second half of the season. Richard has scored three league goals including an important goal in the recent 3-2 win over FC Khalsa. The unlikely named Caterpillar is the team to catch though having won all 13 league games as they run away (rather than crawl away) with the lead.

At Godalming Town, Scott Harris has continued to do what he does best having scored 14 goals for The Gs. Scott scored a late winner in a 1-0 win over Chipstead Town on Boxing Day, which keeps Godalming Town comfortably in the top half.

News on Lewis Tozer at Thamesmead Town is harder to find. The club is placed in mid-table after two home wins ended a poor run of form.

Chris Henry of Shifnal Town is once again the club’s leading scorer with 15 goals. The club is placed in mid-table of the West Midlands Premier League in a closely fought division. After a 4-2 defeat to Gornal Athletic, they will be looking to bounce back against lower placed Sporting Khalsa.

Scott Harris nets the late winner against Chipstead Town.

Boldmere St Michaels, Bugbrooke St Michaels and Meltis Corinthians may not be teams that the average football fan knows too much about, but these are the three teams which have all the letters of Christmas in their name. Meltis Corinthians appear to win as their name is only 17 letters in length.

Boldmere St Michaels, known as The Mikes, play in the Midland Alliance. The team, based in Sutton Coldfield, are currently in the lower half of the Midland Alliance.

As for Bugbrooke St Michaels – it’s going to be a happy Christmas in Northamptonshire for some fans. Although their website leaves you wondering about their form as the league table is frozen at P1 W1 D0 L0, further research reveals that The Badgers are in second place five points behind Harborough Town with three games in hand in Division 1 of the United Counties League. However, their first league loss last week at home to lowly Northampton Sileby Rangers may dampen spirits a little today.

Turning to Meltis Corinthians, it is a sad story – the team seems to have folded at senior level and we are left with struggling Meltis Albion, a club that only has just over half the letters of Christmas. Bedford will be a sadder town this Christmas.

And so, before FootballCynic prepares for his Christmas festivities, we are left to consider the league teams that contain 8 letters of Christmas – Manchester United, Manchester City and West Bromwich Albion are the three, but that isn’t at all interesting, so it’s time for a morning bucks fizz.

Below, The Mikes in action.

Following the ban on Luis Suarez for a racist comment, it has been claimed that the FA is racially prejudiced against players from Spanish-speaking nations. It seems that referees and FA officials would not understand racial or abusive comments made in many other languages – for example, Korean, Arabic, Russian. It means that players from some nations currently have an unfair advantage.

It seems as though the FA are responding quickly and have found a quick solution as all referees will be forced to learn between 5-10 racist comments in up to 40 languages within the first two weeks of 2012. Racists from around the world are being flown in to teach the referees the offensive terms.

FootballCynic HQ is often asked ‘which English town or city appears most in the name of an English football team?’ You might think it is Manchester, but besides the obvious two heavyweights of that city, there is only FC United of Manchester and East Manchester. At a pinch, you could claim a fifth - Godmanchester Rovers. Interestingly, if you multiply the average attendance at FC United of Manchester by the average crowd at East Manchester, you get the average crowd at Manchester United give or take a handful.

Turning to Birmingham, you only get a pathetic one – Birmingham City itself. Why does no team want to take the name of that city into their name?

So what about London? Only five, it would seem – Kingsbury London Tigers, London APSA, London Colney, London Lions, Sport London East Benfica. Now, at least, some of these five are interesting if not terribly successful.

So, on to Leeds – what do we find there? Two, yes, just two – Leeds United and Leeds Carnegie – one worse than Bradford who have their “cousins” in Bradford upon Avon to thank for making it three teams.

Newcastle manages five – again thank to cousins at Newcastle under Lyme, but Newcastle United, Newcastle Benfield, Newcasle Town, Newcastle University and Newcastle Blue Star take the city to that barrier, it would seem, of five.

Sheffield does no better – there’s only the obvious two and a team just called Sheffield – can’t they have a surname to make it easier?

And the winner? Well, it’s not obvious. Tucked away in Gloucestershire is the small town of Street – and there are six teams with Street in their name – Andover New Street, Chester Le Street Town, Graham Street Prims (yes, really), Park Street Village, Potter Street and Street itself.

Street play in the Toolstation Western Premier Division and are currently below halfway after a run of 8 games in which they won 1 and lost 7. This week they face Longwell Green Sports, the team they defeated in that poor run of form. Best of luck then to The Cobblers as they are known.

One of the most fascinating games for FootballCynic this week was the South Asia Cup semi-final between Afghanistan and Nepal. A goal by Belal Arezou for Afghanistan broke the deadlock in the 100th minute and left the Nepalese with a mountain to climb, so to speak. Nepal are managed by Graham Roberts, whose career included stints at Tottenham Hotspur, Rangers and Chelsea.

Afghanistan now face hosts, India, in the Final. You just wonder whether Afghanistan have a player called Khyber, so that the headlines could read “Khyber pass leads Afghans to victory in India”. Nepal now compete in the Sherpa Vans Trophy.

It’s best to plan in advance and Capello will be looking ahead to England’s first game in the Euro 2012 finals against France. The first game is played in Donetsk and FootballCynic would respectfully like to offer Fabio the benefit of intensive research carried out at FootballCynic HQ.

First of all, the tourist guides come up with six “not-to-miss” restaurants. Disappointingly, one of these is an Irish pub called the Golden Lion, which should probably be left for Trapattoni and his charges. The alternatives offer food from Marrakesh and Mexico or described as Latino or “a wide assortment of European cuisine”. None of these look suitable for England’s superstars, so we are left with The Korsar restaurant.

The Korsar looks ideal for England’s needs – local traditional food served in what is described as “a snazzy restaurant designed as a pirate ship”. The guides continue to explain “...and, of course, a bar pouring out genuine pirate drinks.” This, of course, sounds ideal as Capello seems keen to ensure that his players are allowed to relax more after keeping them cooped up in South Africa. Below: The Korsar in Donetsk.

One of our sponsored players, Chris Henry of Shifnal Town, has been relegated to the subs’ bench for the last two games, but it hasn’t stopped the striker notching three goals in two games. Firstly, in the impressive 8-0 win over Dudley Town, Chris netted twice and, then, in last Saturday’s narrow 3-2 defeat at Dudley Sports, Chris scored another. Tonight, Shifnal Town face Dudley Sports again in the league. Let’s hope our sponsored hero scores a few and gets his place back in the starting eleven.

Below: Christmas lights in Shifnal, presumably switched on by Chris Henry .

A letter of complaint arrived at FootballCynic HQ this weekend. It came from a Birmingham City fan who calls himself TSB. He sounds like a man you can bank on.

The main thrust of TSB’s lengthy complaints (about 1000 words) boiled down to the following:
1) FootballCynic always overlooks the Championship
2) Birmingham is ignored as a city on www.footballcynic.com
3) Birmingham City is a “fun” ground with witty fans
4) Birmingham is a major soccer city

So, it would seem FootballCynic needs to deal with each of these issues. First of all, TSB may have a point about the fact that the Championship is not covered as fully as other divisions, but let’s move on from that.

Well, if you google “Birmingham City funny”, it’s hard not to stop by at the Aston Villa fans’ forum where you can find many witticisms. For example, thieves broke into the Birmingham City trophy room and escaped with the whole contents – please be on the lookout for a man with a roll of carpet under his arm. You know the sort of thing.

Tantalisingly, though, you soon find a website which is called “Birmingham City – Fun Facts and Information”. And, the first fun fact? Frank Womack made 515 appearances for Birmingham between 1908 and 1928. Well, did he? It’s hardly fun and the other facts don’t come under our heading of fun at FootballCynic HQ.

So are the fans witty? Well, it depends on your definition of witty presumably. FootballCynic’s last visit there was witty if getting back to your car in one piece and finding it with four wheels still on it comes under the heading of witty. What a laugh that was!

So, is it a major soccer city? Well, it’s not doing too bad. Aston Villa and West Bromwich Albion are both in the top half, although the funsters at Birmingham City are suffering in the bottom half of the Championship. It’s not London or Manchester standards, but it’s OK. Still, the Birmingham fans can look forward to the visit of NK Maribor in December and there could be some chance for fun when the announcer at the ground tries to pronounce the names of the visitors.

So, TSB, it seems the jury is out, but more Championship and more Birmingham City in this article means that some of your objectives have been fulfilled.

Below: Real fun at St Andrews, although the lad seems to realise they need Superman to get out of the Championship this season.

When North West Counties team, Formby, lost 5-1 to Bootle in the Liverpool Senior Cup this week, the number of goals in the game would not have surprised fans of the club. In fact, this season in their 18 games, there have been 92 goals, so the 5-1 score was only just above the average.

You might think that it would drive The Squirrels’ fans nuts and you could well be right as in the previous game they leaked four goals at, er, Leek CSOB. In the game before that though, they lost 7-4 to Norton United, which must have come as a relief after two amazingly low-scoring 1-0 defeats to Daisy Hill and Ashville.

It seems that although Formby score plenty they often concede one too many, although their 6-3 win at Cheadle Town earlier in the season was one of their better results. I guess fans of Formby could see the glut of goals coming – a pre-season friendly resulted in an extraordinary 10-5 win over the Hare and Hounds.

Still, things might change now as we understand that Graham “Grumpy” McLoughlin is back in goal after a long lay-off. Eeh, isn’t it grand?

So, the pots for Euro 2012 have been decided. Bizarrely, Ukraine and Poland, the co-hosts, have been seeded in Pot 1, so that heavyweights like Germany and Italy are relegated to Pot 2. There’s some interesting rankings too as former champions, France, are in Pot 4. With England seeded in Pot 2, it means England could face Spain, Portugal and France to qualify for the quarter finals.

The preferable draw would clearly be Spain, Greece and Ireland, which would allow football fans to make the first economic chant ever of “Your debt is worse than ours” in all three qualifying games. We could even move on to play Italy in the quarter finals, so that our Wayne can hear the chant echoing around a bleak stadium in Donetsk or Gdansk as he punches a diving Italian.

Still, at least England’s brave John Terry will be OK as long as Capello tells him to write “Shake Hands” on the back of his hand as a reminder to pump the hand of each opponent after the game to comply with Sepp’s doctrine.

One of the most fascinating ties of the 1st round of the FA Cup today is the local derby between Blyth Spartans and Gateshead. Anchored at the bottom of the Blue Square North, Blyth Spartans will relish the chance to beat their rivals, Gateshead, who play just 18 miles away. Gateshead are riding high in the Blue Square Conference just one place outside the play off places and hoping to regain the league status they lost in 1960.

It’s not often that visitors to Blyth Spartans have such a short trip. On average, their fixtures in the Blue Square North are a round trip of 337 miles and include a long haul to Gloucester City which is a round trip of 553 miles.

Their season started well with a 2-0 friendly win over the mighty Partick Thistle, but league results have been disappointing with only two wins. On Monday, they lost 1-0 away to league leaders, Hyde. However, they are just two wins from the chance to play at the Sports Direct Arena. Let’s hope they can make it a memorable day.

Below: The official Blyth Spartans Choir warming up for the big game.

And so, we are now down to one St James Park, the home of Exeter City, although you could argue there was always one. The Exeter City website is quite clear that it is called St James Park whereas Newcastle United, in a way that the Artist formerly known as Prince was once Prince, now play at the Ground formerly known as St James’ Park – with an apostrophe, you will note.

So, it’s the Sports Direct Arena where the Geordies will entertain Chelsea on 3rd December and already the stadium tours are advertised on their website with the curious wording “A tour of the Sports Direct Arena will show you around one of the most impressive stadiums in the UK”.

A piece of history being destroyed may disappoint many Newcastle United fans, but they can, at least, be thankful that they have not suffered some of the horrors. Non-league Witton Albion, who played until recently at The Bargain Booze Stadium, while York City played at KitKat Crescent. But, dear readers, you can relax. FootballCynic.com will never get taken over by a sponsor even though www.sportsdirectcynic.com has a certain ring to it. Below, the real St James Park.

It might be doom and gloom in Lancashire as far as the Premiership is concerned as Bolton Wanderers, Blackburn Rovers and Wigan Athletic sit in the relegation spots. However, not all of the residents of these three fine towns are hanging their heads.

In the North West Counties Division 1, Wigan Robin Park are in third place whilst Bolton club, Daisy Hill, are three places behind. Meanwhile, Old Blackburnians are celebrating a 4-2 win tonight at table-topping Rochdale St Clements to move into sixth with enough games in hand to go top of the Lancashire Amateur League Division 1.

Below: Wigan Robin Park against AFC Liverpool.

FootballCynic has persistently made it clear that he doesn’t like teams with ampersands in their names, but it would seem this season that they are cursed. Of the 50 teams with an ampersand in their name, only a handful of the teams are in the top half of their respective league tables.

Brighton & Hove Albion command a respectable 10th in the Championship, while Totton & Eling may feel slightly smug with their mid-table slot in the Wessex Premier.

For the most of the others, relegation already looms. Hayes & Yeading labour in 20th place in the Blue Square Bet Premier and Walton & Hersham sit at the foot of the Rymans League South, while Kirkley & Pakefield, Felixstowe & Witton, Chessington & Hook, Felixstowe & Walton, Norton & Stockton Ancients, Mauritius Sports & Pennant and many others are all in the bottom four or five.
Today, Hampton & Richmond Borough play Havant & Waterlooville in the Blue Square Bet South. Both are struggling with Hampton & Richmond stuck at the bottom. Disappointingly, Havant & Waterlooville use the word ‘and’ in the website address, but their website is full of ampersands, so they clearly deserve their low status.

To hammer home the point that ampersands do not pay, the Essex Senior League has Bowers & Pitsea and Haringey & Waltham Development in the bottom two slots. Anyone for Manchester City & United?

It's been a while since there has been a quiz and it's been a while since we have seen Mr Tevez. However, which is the odd man out and why?

Lee Dixon predicted last week that Arsenal would finish between 6th and 8th this season. Dancer and football pundit, Robbie Savage, was asked if he agreed with Lee. He replied that he thought they would come 6th or 8th, but definitely not in the top six. Do you mean 8th then, Robbie?

The draw for the Suffolk Cup was made on Saturday – it looked like any other non-League draw when the following ties came out of the hat - Achilles v Whitton Utd, Felixstowe Utd v Cornard Utd, Lakenheath v Team Bury, Long Melford v Ipswich Ath, Ransomes Sports v Melton St Audry’s, Stowmarket Town v Beccles.

However players, officials and fans of Grundisburgh, Leiston St Margarets, Haughley and Corton were confused – their teams did not come out of the hat. The reason? The Suffolk FA forgot to put the teams which had first round byes into the hat for the second round. So, now it’s a re-draw on Saturday as the original draw has been declared void.

Are there red faces at the Suffolk FA? Are there apologies to the fans of Cornard United who were looking forward to a day out at Felixstowe United? Well, not yet. The Suffolk FA’s website refers to “technical difficulties with the Suffolk FA Senior Cup draw”. More of a cock-up, FootballCynic would say.

Well, now we all understand. The FA revealed today that it only spent £21 million to try to persuade the FIFA representatives that England was the right venue for the 2018 World Cup.

The question is - who decided to be a cheapskate and only set a budget of £21 million? Surely, this sort of sum doesn’t go far. By the time you have flown David Beckham and Prince William around the world a few times, it doesn’t leave much to spend on each of the FIFA voters. It’s rumoured that Russia’s budget of £890 million was much more realistic and contributed a little to their successful bid.

Plans for a 2026 bid are already in the pipeline with Wayne Rooney and the winner of Strictly Come Dancing to be our ambassadors. The budget is set at £199 plus some WH Smith vouchers.

Below, Russian deputy Prime Minister, Igor Shuvalov, is pictured about to shove a lot of details of offshore bank accounts to Sepp Blatter.

In a week that sees the lives of Steve Jobs, Graham Dilley and Bert Jansch come to an end, it’s hard to know where to start. The heroics of Dilley have been remembered and the creative works of Steve Jobs are also recorded at length, but it is the curious case of Bert Jansch that still befuddles FootballCynic.

FootballCynic saw Bert Jansch on two consecutive evenings not because he particularly liked his brand of music, but because he was supporting a band he did like a lot. On the first night, he was the typical, likeable support act – generous applause throughout and a brief standing ovation at the end as he left after the 40 minute set. On the next night, he played, or, shall we say, tried to play the same set, but was booed from about the 10th minute by an ungracious audience. He left the stage after about 25 minutes – around 14 minutes more than most people would probably try to survive – with his head held high.

Perhaps, footballers have the same problem – heroes one game, villains the next. As England head to Montenegro for a dull game that matters a lot if you support Team England, the headline writers will already have a headline lauding Rooney for his mega-display and another headline blaming him for England’s abject failure. To FootballCynic, the game seems dull – almost as dull as the thought of those fools who will spoil a good English breakfast by trying to watch England play France in a sport that is fast tumbling from its rather irritating reputation of being ‘proper sport’ played by ‘proper sportsmen’.

For FootballCynic, he is more interested in how Plymouth Argyle perform against Accrington Stanley and whether they can lift themselves from being the Football League’s basement club. FootballCynic’s one visit to Home Park was the most welcoming experience ever; the fans deserve so much more. They have now been banned from signing loan players as their path down to the Conference is being gently engineered by those chaps at the FA. Playing Accrington Stanley, a club that folded itself in 1963, makes it a curious game and far more interesting than Friday evening’s viewing or, of course, Saturday morning’s. A Plymouth win? FootballCynic hopes so. To use the title of a Bert Jansch song “It’s a rare conundrum”.

What do Manchester City do about Carlos Tevez? After the misunderstanding, generous offers have come in from Limavady United, who compete in second division of the Northern Ireland League, and West Ham United of the Conference South.

The offer from Limavady United came from vice chairman, David Brewster, and effectively offered to take the Argentinian off their hands for the season so that he could keep match fit. If Mr Tevez had bothered to visit the club’s website, he would have discovered some interesting facts. The club was founded in 0, the number of fans totals 0, the club plays in the Premiership (?), and the manager is blank. Their latest result appears to be a 3-1 win over Clifton on 26th April; the previous result was a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Malachians on 12th December. So, it would seem, there’s not much scope to keep match fit there.

As for West Ham United’s offer, it would seem that Javier Mascherano ought to be there too. FootballCynic has offered him a role as a roving journalist, but there is a worry he would sit in the press box and refuse to write anything. Now, where’s the offer from Pease Pottage Village to really tempt the wayward Argentinian?

Below, Tevez and Mascherano practise their 16 times table.

One of the best decisions that the board of FootballCynic.com ever made was the decision to sponsor the kit of Richard Foster of Newhall United. The centre half described by General Manager, Dan Bishop, as “Mr Dependable” has been setting Derbyshire alight this season.

Although based in Swadlincote in Derbyshire, Newhall United play in the Leicestershire Senior Division 1 – and, what’s more, have started well. With four wins from five league games, they are handily placed in third placed behind Friar Lane & Epsworth (and, as everyone knows, we don’t like teams with ampersands). Their only defeat was at the hands of runaway leaders (and curiously named) Caterpillar, who have turned into butterflies and banged in 39 goals in 7 games, though only two against Newhall United.

Newhall United have become the team to watch at home this season with their last four results sounding like Andy Murray’s latest game with wins of 6-2, 7-5 and 6-2. Richard Foster has netted four times this season, clearly inspired by his FootballCynic sponsored kit.

This weekend Newhall United face lowly Shepshed Dynamo Ressies at home – at FootballCynic HQ we will be looking out for another tennis score – 6-0, perhaps.

Below: Richard Foster scores against Sileby Saints. The Sileby Saints’ keeper appears to be practising his clay pigeon shooting.

The Americans apparently had no idea where about 500kg of a burnt out satellite was going to land on Friday, but made it clear that if it landed your back garden it was their property. What they didn’t make clear was whether they would pay for a new garden shed if the satellite flattened it.

Whether this should have awoken mighty Manchester United to threats from a great height is arguable, but it was Peter Crouch whose header took the first points off the champions in a 1-1 draw at Stoke City.

At Fenerbahce this week, the crowd was limited to women, children and female impersonators on account of a ban of the unruly elements at the club. Meanwhile this weekend, struggling Plymouth Argyle ran a Fans Reunited campaign as fans from many clubs came wearing their shirts to support the struggling Argyle. The confusing array of colours confused the visitors, Macclesfield Town, sufficiently to allow Plymouth to win 2-0 and gain their first three points of the season. They still languish in 24th spot though.

Of course, we all know about Leon Noel, the Liverpool youngster, whose entire name is a palindrome, but keep an eye out for Abu Ogogo who netted for Dagenham & Redbridge this week. Now, we openly tell the world how much we hate clubs with ampersands, but is there another player out there whose surname is a palindrome? And, if so, does his club have an ampersand in their name? The search begins.

Below: The crowd at Plymouth Argyle - enough to confuse Macclesfield Town.

Tuesday night was quite a night for the Blue Square Bet Premier. Here are some of the scores:

Alfreton Town 0-1 Barrow
Bath City 2-0 Luton Town
Fleetwood Town 1-1 Kidderminster Harriers
Southport 1-1 Wrexham
Now, if they look like low scoring games, they are, in fact, the number of red cards each team received, while it’s worth mentioning that Bath City, Fleetwood Town, Braintree Town, Forest Green and Darlington all picked up four or more yellow cards on the same night. Fleetwood won the count of goals in their match by 5-2 to jump into fourth place. However, bottom-placed Bath City managed a 1-1 draw with leaders, Luton Town, ending the game with nine men.

Even for those with a good knowledge of the geography of England, FootballCynic would put a bet on the fact that few would be able to put dots on the map for the top five of the Blue Square Bet North. How would you do? There’s Stalybridge Celtic, Guiseley, Gainsborough Trinity, Colwyn Bay and, league leaders, Hyde. Well, Stalybridge Celtic and Hyde are near each other to the east of Manchester, whereas Gainsborough Trinity and Guiseley are in the middle of nowhere in particular and Colwyn Bay is somewhere on Welsh coast – at least, we’d assume that if there is a bay there.

But, it’s Hyde that are firing on all cylinders with 10 wins from 10 games gaining more than twice the number of points of sixth-placed Corby Town. The man banging the goals in is bearded Scott Spencer with 12 goals in the league so far.

For many, Hyde are remembered as the team that was thrashed 26-0 in the FA Cup by Preston North End in 1887; for others they will remember defeating Newton Heath (now known as Manchester United) in the unofficial Manchester Cup Final of 1888. If they win promotion this season, The Tigers will be one step from being in the Football League.

In the pubs of Surrey, the name of Scott Harris is being heard as the Godalming Town striker, sponsored by FootballCynic, has hit a rich vein of form with three goals in three games. With three consecutive wins over Wimborne Town in the FA Cup and Corinthian-Casuals and Whitehawk in the Ryman South Leauge, Godalming Town will be looking forward to taking on Moneyfields at their home ground, Wey Court, tomorrow.

Godalming Town have started steadily are 7th in a league headed by Dulwich Hamlet. At the bottom, the poor relations of Crawley, Crawley Down, are bottom with no points. Crawley Town fans like to joke “Are Crawley Down?”

Their next opponents, Moneyfields, were formerly known as Portsmouth Civil Service and hope to be in the money to the tune of £3,000 if they can overcome Godalming Town in this 1st Qualifying Round tie – Godalming Town’s game against Wimborne Town was preliminary qualifying round in case you are wondering. FootballCynic is seldom moved to make predictions, but at FootballCynic HQ there is a buzz about the place as one of our sponsored ones looks set to push Godalming Town one step closer to Wembley. 2-1 to The G’s with Scott scoring the winner in the 88th minute.

The Johnstone’s Paint Trophy game between Leyton Orient and Dagenham & Redbridge should have been played at the new Olympic Stadium really. The demand for tickets would have been high and a lottery could have decided which lucky people could witness this potential cracker.

In the end, it was staged at Brisbane Road in front 1420 punters, who didn’t realise that they had a treat in store when it came to the penalty shoot-out. In the end, the team with the ampersand won 14-13 when the 28th penalty was missed by Leyton Orient’s regular penalty taker, Ben Chorley. All the previous 27 had been scored.

Was it a record? Well, sadly not. A fourth grade Argentinian match ended 20-21 to General Paz Juniors when they beat Juventud Alianza. In that game, the first 41 penalties were converted. More extraordinarily, KK Palace beat Civics 17-16 in the Namibian Cup, but 15 were missed.

The weirdest penalty shoot-out appears to have taken place when the referee made a miscalculation and had awarded a penalty shoot-out win to Harlem Bombers over Zebians. However, the contest was re-started a week later and Zebians ran out winners. .

It has been confirmed that reports about Arsenal buying state of the art IT systems last weekend at the Emirates are true. The system is said to be ‘ahead of its time’ as it can automatically dial every football club in Europe and using voice recognition software find out which players may be available for transfer. Rex Less, CEO of the IT company that installed the equipment, commented, the new system also has Paypal facilities so that the transfers can be conducted without human intervention. n only.

However, there are concerns that there are still glitches in the system. Rex denied that Arsenal had thought they had bought Ji-Sung Park from Manchester United rather than Chu Young Park from Monaco. It is understood that Manchester City are looking to install the system as long as the system can automatically handle numbers greater than 30 million only.

Rex is planning to launch his new website, E-Bung, which, he says, ‘will manage all professional football transfers from start to finish’. Agents are said to be furious at the proposed website launch. The agents are ridiculing the website as just another EBay. Rex has denied, however, that he is involved in the football score fixing website, E-Fix.

One of the stars sponsored by FootballCynic.com this season is Shifnal Town striker, Chris Henry. Whilst FootballCynic sponsors his kit, it seems that we should have sponsored his boots as he fired in two goals against Dudley Town followed by a hat trick four days later at home to Lye Town in mid-August. The goals have given Shifnal Town a good start in the league, but they slipped out of the FA Cup after narrowly losing 4-3 in a replay at home to Gornal Athletic.

As Gornal Athletic march a step closer to the dream of playing at Wembley (we mean the Combined Counties Premier side called Wembley FC, of course!), it’s back to the bread and butter for Shifnal Town as they start favourites at home to Sporting Khalsa this week. Time for another hat trick, Chris.

Long haul travel is fine except for the damaged sleep patterns. You can feel as agile as Barnet’s defence in the daytime and as active as Manchester United’s attack in the middle of the night. And so, FootballCynic found himself awake in the middle of his first night on holiday, but, it should be said, relaxed. To occupy the mind, a challenge to find a league team with each letter of the alphabet as the fourth letter of the team’s name – starting, of course, at ‘a’.

‘A’ should be easy to get the puzzle going. But, it isn’t. Surely, FootballCynic, even in the middle of the night, can’t be stumped by ‘a’. Going round the country doesn’t help. London – Chelsea, Fulham, Brentford, Tottenham Hotspur, Millwall etc……up to Yorkshire – Barnsley, Leeds United, Bradford City, Huddersfield Town. No team has ‘a’ as the fourth letter. What about round the coast? Grimsby Town – ooh, FootballCynic thought he had it, Brighton - Southampton, Portsmouth, Plymouth Argyle…..no luck.

Forty-five minutes pass and it seems as though there is no team with ‘a’ as the fourth letter. It’s time to give up and FootballCynic is starting to feel sleepy at last. Dreaming of a lazy day on the beach tomorrow, a haze descends and the failure subsides until with a start, FootballCynic awakes – “Wigan Athletic. Yes, Wigan Athletic – the fourth letter is ‘a’. And now, the transformation from dozy to awake as FootballCynic races through the alphabet – Derby County for ‘b’, Macclesfield Town for ‘c’, Reading, Queens Park Rangers, Sheffield Wednesday – or, Sheffield United, if you wish – it’s so easy – Brighton & Hove Albion, Fulham, then bang. ‘I’, another vowel and stuck again. Another 30 minutes, another “tour of the country” and FootballCynic gives up and thankfully falls asleep. There is no team with ‘I’ as the fourth letter, it transpires the next day. Time for a Singapore Sling by the pool.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has stepped in and ordered the FA to dock Tottenham Hotspur ten points. Speaking to Gary Lineker, he revealed that “the outrageous behaviour and wanton destruction in Tottenham last week had triggered a series of riots and it was his duty to send out a clear message to these troublemakers that strong and tough action would be taken against clubs near these flashpoints”. He added “Let me be clear. If necessary, we will send teams to prison where there is trouble and take strong and tough action on behalf of the majority of decent hard-working people who support other teams”.

It seems as though we will all be put out of misery and find out whether Nasri and Fabregas will be leaving Arsenal or not. It's been a painful process and seemed to start an age ago. Cesc will enjoy sitting on Barcelona's bench.

The big kick off is nearly with us as the superstars take to the field (or not in the case of Fabregas), although we have to wait until Sunday for Fergie's Champions to appear. Fascinating game of the weekend is Wigan Athletic v Norwich City - an early season six-pointer.

Big news from FootballCynic HQ! FootballCynic.com is now the proud sponsor of four of the finest individuals that play non-League football up and down the country. FootballCynic chose not to sponsor the overpaid stars of the Premier League and will keep a keen eye on the clubs and the players we are sponsoring.

So, let’s introduce the fine four. First, we are sponsors of the entire kit of Richard Foster (pictured below winning header), the talisman defender of Newhall Town, who play in the Leicestershire Senior League 1. Second, we are sponsors of the socks of a striker known as ‘Hatchet’ – Scott Harris of Godalming Town, who has already stuck three goals away in friendlies, including one against the mighty AFC Wimbledon. Third, we are sponsors of part of the kit (below the waist, we think) of Lewis Tozer of Thamesmead Town, who is their captain returning from injury. And, finally, we are sponsoring the whole kit of Chris Henry the 49-goal hero of Shifnal Town in the West Midlands League last season.

These four individuals have the burden of keeping the image of FootballCynic.com at the pinnacle of football blogging, but we are confident they will do us proud.

The league action starts for Shifnal Town on Saturday with a tricky match at home to Wednesfield, who finished 4th last season. More on ‘The Sponsored Ones’ in the weeks to come.

Researchers at the BBC have been hard at work seeking out which club offers the best value for money in each division. They assumed that a ‘day out at football’ is covered by the cost of the cheapest ticket into the ground, a programme, a pie and a cup of tea. The winners on these criteria for each of the divisions are Blackburn Rovers (£17.50), Watford (£17.30), Rochdale (£16.20) and Rotherham United (£16.30).

Surely, this is wasted effort. There are different types of fans out there. Picture, if you will, a seriously overweight Plymouth Argyle fan, who wears the green shirt with the name of his favourite striker on his back. On the surface, his £10 match ticket offers the best value in the country, but after he has consumed four expensive pies at £2.90 each, his day out takes a big bite out of his entertainment budget. A visiting fan from Accrington Stanley, who spends £15 to get into to see his team, would be shocked as he can enjoy four pies at home matches for £6.

Another type of fan not covered here is the ‘six pints lad’ who needs to sink a few before seeing his heroes. Why did the BBC’s research not take a look round the local pubs to determine the price of an almost undrinkable but highly toxic pint of lager?

Of course, the team at the BBC could not fully complete their report as Chelsea, Fulham and Man City are yet to set the prices for their tea and pies. One would assume that a pie at Chelsea is going to be around £4 to match Arsenal’s over-pricing rather than Bolton Wanderers’ bargain offer of £3.50 for a pie and a cup of tea.

All this nonsense ignores the fact that petrol can cost as much as £1.49 per litre and train fares are carefully priced to rip you off unless you book two years in advance. As for the price of an emergency pie on a train, the BBC’s research is certainly lacking as is the cost of drowning ones sorrows after another abject performance.

 

As the season draws nearer, it’s hard to avoid the usual transfer rumours. Let’s hope Carlos Tevez heads off soon to play wherever it might be - Tripoli All Stars, for all we care - so that we can have some different headlines. And, Cesc Fabregas, like Mr Tevez, ought to go or stay – it’s not even remotely exciting, Cesc. Of course, FootballCynic has been ignoring the spate of friendlies, especially the silly tour matches in which one of the big four (or however many big teams it is nowadays) goes off to the Seychelles to play a Seychelles All Star XI and wins 25-0.

More interestingly, The Copa America is done and dusted and Uruguay ran out winners against Paraguay. There seemed to be huge interest in Paraguay’s performance, particularly, it would seem, as model, Larissa Riquelme claimed that she would appear naked on the pitch if Paraguay won. You have to give credit to those Uruguayans for staying focused.

Still, it’s not long to wait until the World Cup draw and comments from established players telling us not to underestimate how difficult it will be to play in San Marino. Perhaps, Larissa could inspire our lads.

 

The FIFA rankings are a wonderful invention. No one understands how they work. They are a bit like the Duckworth-Lewis formula in cricket, which was apparently worked out in a pub on the back of a cigarette packet. For the FIFA rankings, there is a kind of understanding that results for the last four years are included, but the weight placed on each game and the importance of more recent results are used for a formula that only the programmer at FIFA's IT HQ knows.

Somehow, England’s position has risen to fourth place in the world rankings. It’s hard to imagine how draws against Ghana and Switzerland have helped England reach this lofty position, but we should enjoy the glory while it lasts.

But, now the formula has been exposed and by none less than the wily Faroese. They have cunningly worked out that they should now be seeded above Wales in the next World Cup draw. FIFA originally claimed that Wales and Faroe Islands had the same ranking, but the Faroese have contended that when you go down to decimal places, they are ahead of Wales. FIFA don't know how the Faroese worked it out, but they appear to be right. Now, FIFA don’t know what to do. And, Wales are just plain embarrassed. Presumably, a few quid could sort this one out for the Welsh.

Below, a major city on the Faroe Islands.

 

In 1820, C.C. Colton coined the expression “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”. And now, dear readers, FootballCynic wishes to warn you of the need to be more careful. There are at least three other football cynics claiming to be the real thing out there in cyberspace, so don’t be fooled by these impostors.

The first to discount is our American friend, FootballCynic, who would probably assume that “offside” referred to the ball going off the side of the pitch. He briefly blogged in 2007 about American Football and probably thinks this website should be called “SoccerCynic”. He didn’t reply to our email when we first started back in 2007.

Next, we come to a BBC website poster, who had rather a lot to say during the last General Election campaign. Why he stole the name “FootballCynic” when commenting on boring political arguments is anyone’s guess. Perhaps, he felt he was a political football.

And now, we have the latest blog called FootballCynic, which is anything about cynical and has one article on Harry Redknapp. The website is not connected with footballcynic.com in any way. Its dubious content is littered with misuse of the apostrophe. It will not be long before there will be ampersands littered through the blog, we suspect – and look what good ampersands were to Rushden & Diamonds.

Still, FootballCynic has recruited some new journalists, who will, in the interests of cynical football journalism, be hacking the phones of the above impostors.

Below, the first picture you find that has not appeared on this blog if you type in “Football Cynic” and Google images. No sign of any of Harry Redknapps’ players’ though.

 

James Alexander Gordon is probably relieved that he has never had to read the results from The Europa League Qualifying Round. Could he manage to say Itrottarfelag Fuglafjordur 1 KR Reykjavik 3 without stumbling? Or, Buducnost Podgorica 1 Flamurtari 3 without a hesitation over one syllable? Perhaps, he might have had a slight chuckle as he read out the names of FC Banga or FC Honka.

Of course, The Europa League Qualifying Round offers excellent questions for pub quizzes. Where do Banants Yerevan come from? What is the average attendance at Trans Narva, an Estonian club, which has now played 27 competitive games in Europe winning one game and drawing another?

Fulham might think twice about playing fair this season. Their reward is a trip to The Faroe Islands this week to play the second leg against Nes Soknar Itrottarfelag after winning 3-0 at home last week. Below, the home of Itrottarfelag Fuglafjordur.

 

When Chorley defeated AFC Fylde in the Northern Premier League Northern Division play-offs, it meant that The Magpies would be competing in 2011-12 in the Northern Premier League Premier Division. While achieving this great feat, they managed to pack in almost 2.8 as many spectators as they did in the previous season with 757 paying customers per game – the biggest increase in league and senior non-league football.

Behind Chorley came Crawley Town who increased attendances by 153% as a result of their success in gaining Football League status. More remarkably, Bedfont Town almost doubled their average attendance from 65 to 129 despite the fact they ended in mid-table in the Zamaretto Division 1 Central. Fourth place went to Blackpool who had an 83% increase in attendances, which may well reduce by a similar amount this coming season. At the bottom of the table, Grays Athletic suffered the biggest drop – down from 682 to 223.

Let’s hope things continue to take off at Chorley – can they become the premier team in the Northern Premier League Premier Division?

 

Qualification for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil began this week with the first match taking place in Couva, Trinidad. The combatants were Belize and Montserrat and Belize eased past their opponents, ranked as the worst team in the world according to FIFA’s rankings, by a 5-2 margin. The return match takes place on Sunday in Belmopan.

Soon afterwards, qualifiers commence in Asia Pacific. The most fascinating game looks to be The Maldives visit to Iran although Palestine’s visit to Afghanistan has a certain fascination about it. The thought of Timor-Leste playing two tough games with the Nepalese will also whet the appetites of football fans around the world.

However, the first victor in the qualifiers looks to be Belize, a team, it would appear, which is comprised of at least two players whose name is coincidentally Belize as well.

 

Jazz Gold. Is it a new radio station? Is it a compilation of CDs that you give an uncle for Christmas? No, Jazz Gold is a footballer who has transferred from Sutton United to Croydon Athletic. Maybe, Croydon Athletic will also sign Nathan "Duke" Ellington.

 

FootballCynic is busy getting ready for the showdown at Wembley between mighty Manchester United and mighty Barcelona, of course. Obtaining a ticket is easy, of course, if you buy a 10-year season ticket for the mighty Manchester United or you know the bank details of any FIFA representative – otherwise, it’s rumoured to be over £2,000 on the black market.

The game would be played under a cloud, but for the reassurances of, former star footballer and speaker of nonsense, Michel Platini. The FIFA Presidency race and corruption charges have hit the headlines – how funny is it that every member gets to choose between two candidates charged with corruption? Do you vote for the least corrupt? Or, do you just wait for the best offer?

Anyhow, returning to Monsieur Platini, the former star footballer and speaker of nonsense tells us that the game between mighty Manchester United and mighty Barcelona will show us all how beautiful the game of football is and how beautiful it is to see beautiful football. And, if you are worried about the corruption charges, stop worrying now. The former star footballer describes FIFA’s problems as “small, small, small problems”. Oh well, that’s that problem out of the way then.

It’s time for FootballCynic to set off for Wembers with ticket in hand and certainly not suffering from a bout of catarrh.

 

In April 2010, Stockport County travelled to Norwich City and narrowly lost 2-1. Just 16 months later, Norwich City will be showing their skills against the country’s elite while Stockport County will be worrying about games against Forest Green, Tamworth, Hayes & Yeading and the like in the Conference.

Two consecutive relegation seasons have seen The Hatters fall out of the Football League. Whereas Delia-inspired Norwich show a picture of fans holding up posters with the words “Going Up, Going Up”, the Stockport County website leads with information about the Club’s car boot sale on Sunday. While Delia’s fans will be dining at the top table, fans of Stockport will be looking for bargains at the boot sale, so it would seem. Indeed, the tab on their website labelled ‘Promotions’ tells you how to give the club money, but you can hardly stop yourself looking for the ‘Relegations’ tab.

So, let’s hope League 2 football returns soon to Edgeley Park – one of those grounds that you always wish you had been to but probably haven’t. Below, a team photo – the front three all looked suspect in defence this season, so we are told.

 

Rumours abound at FA Headquarters that the FA Cup Final is being boycotted because the flagship game is not being played at the end of the season. It is rumoured that only 1,401 tickets have been sold starting at £700 per ticket for an obstructed view near the corner flag.

“Football fans have had enough” said one irate Man City supporter. “We had to travel down to Wembley for the semi final and then we discover that we are not the showpiece game at the end of the season because of the Champions League Final”.

An alternative plan is being hastily discussed, it seems. Consideration is being given to allow the game to be played at the lowest placed team in League 2. “It makes perfect sense”, said the recently irate Man City, “Stockport County would suit everyone – not too far from Stoke City and near Manchester. In fact, I’ve got an aunt who lives in Stockport”. An announcement is expected soon.

Saturday 30th April was scheduled by fans of Bognor Regis Town as the day they would celebrate as champions of Rymans League Division 1 South. The short trip to relegated Chatham looked a perfect way to clinch promotion even with the Met Police breathing down their necks – not for doing anything illegal, of course, but because they were in 2nd place.

Bognor Regis Town put up a nervy display and only managed a 1-1 draw, which allowed the Met Police to sneak a 1-0 over Mertsham thanks to a controversially awarded free kick that had the Mertsham manager fuming and subsequently sent to the stands. The Met Police had overtaken Bognor Regis with a superior goal difference of one goal.

Fans of Bognor Regis were not panicking though. Their first play off match was against Dulwich Hamlet at home – a team that finished 31 points behind them. The outcome was wholly predictable though and rather than happiness being a team called Hamlet, it turned into a nightmare as Bognor Regis lost 3-1. And so, The Rocks, as they are known, will have to start all over again next season in Division 1 South. Rock on is all FootballCynic can say. Below, Met Police are seen practising their defensive wall for the game against Mertsham.